I'm trying really hard to be a better person. I was never a church-goer, or a pray'er, but I am trying more and more. I go to church pretty regular, and I've recently started praying more. I am really trying to be a better person. But sometimes it is so hard. Especially when you have people in your life that try to bring you down and bring out the worst in you. You know what I really hate? I hate when those people promise you something, and then dodges you when you go to collect. I know that I should have expected it, but I always believe the best in people. I do this even when I know better. And I know that these types of people are put in my life to test me, to see what I do. And usually, I fail the test. I get angry and usually fly off the handle. But this time I think I passed. I have a girl that I work with who always tells me "God doesn't like ugly". She's says this to me all the time (nt necessarily
to me, but in general depending on the conversation). And my mother in law tells me all the time to pray. Pray about whatever I need an answer to.Normally I don't listen. But lately, I've really been thinking about this statement. I put the two thoughts together and really pondered them. I will get back to this thought in just a second.
I don't know how many people know this, and I don't really talk about it alot. But I have an exhusband. To complicate things just a little more (because I can never do anything the easy way), I am engaged to his brother. Please don't judge me too harshly. I never cheated my Lamar, I never thought about his brother like that until we were over. His brother and I were always close, I guess you could say best friends. I never really thought about him like that until he got sick. Then I realized that I didn't want to live my life without him in it. I realized that I loved him more that I've ever loved anyone else. Lamar never really loved me, he just wanted someone to control. Someone to take care of him, but stupid enough to let him do whatever he wanted. But anyway, Lamar is really horrible to everyone in his family. He doesn't talk to really any of them. For a long time, I felt guilty. I thought he didn't talk to his brother because of me. Now I realize that it has nothing to do with me. Lamar is just a jerk, who only cares about himself. Hollice and I have really be discussing whether or not we want to invite him to the wedding. Lamar has a new fiancee as well, and we both feel that they might do or say something stupid to ruin our day. We talked to Hollice's parents to find out their opinion on the subject. And as I suspected, they told me to pray about it.
Now, back to my original thought. Since Mom said that to me, I've really been pondering it. My first reaction to Lamar is always to...well, basically cuss him out. But maybe this is the wrong thing. I always thought that a part of me would always love him. But I realize that I feel nothing towards him. Sometimes he makes me angry, espicially when he is indifferent or a jerk to Hollice or his parents. Besides that, I feel nothing. Is this a bad thing? I don't really think so. I think that I have finally gotten over everything bad.
I really think that I know how I came to this peace. I started praying about it about a week ago. I asked the Lord to show me what I need to do. I asked for the Lord to point me in the direction that He wanted me to go in, and show me what He wanted for me. ( I also asked him to speak loud b/c I didn't want to miss any signs that He might be trying to give me :0}) I woke up this morning, feeling peaceful. I know it sounds crazy, but I realized that I have the strength to be the bigger person.
Anyway, I know this has been a long story, but I really feel like I am on the right track for the first time in my life, and am at peace with everything in my past. Yay for me!!
