So Sleepy!

I am so sleepy but we are getting an alarm put in our house and he's still here. Which means no sleep until they are done setting off the alarm. Fun Stuff. I don't really have much to report. Things are still just like yesterday, but since I'm awake I figured I could ramble on for a while.

It's really wonderful when things can get put into perspective. I have a friend that I work with who is going through a really tough time in her marriage. She tells me all the time how lucky I am to have found a "good one". I tell her that it was completely by accident that Hollice and I got together. I've really been thinking about that lately. How did I manage to get such a wonderful man? He is so perfect for me in so many ways. I look back on all the bad relationships that I've had, and just thank God that he sent Hollice to me. I really think that I had to go through all the bad relationships to really be able to appreciate Hollice when he came into my life. I think that had I not learned the hard way, I would never have realized what a great thing I have.
I think about my friend all the time. Her marriage is a lot like my marriage to LaMar. Her husband is a compulsive liar, just like LaMar. I really feel for her, because she has children. I can't imagine what that must be like. To know that the father of your child wants nothing to do with her. How sad. I never understand how people can be like that. How can you not want to know your child.
Okay, enough of the brooding, depressing talk. On to happier subjects. Like I had started saying. When I really think about it, I know it's not an accident we ended up together. He is my angel. He was sent to me when I needed someone the most. And I was his when he needed someone. And in time, when we were both at a point in our lives where we could handle it, we realized that we needed to be with each other. I know it sounds ridicules and corny, but thats what I think. He was there for me when my marriage was falling apart. He was the only person I had at the time. And when he was sick, and in the hospital, I was there for him. I really am so lucky to fall in love with my best friend.
I've really been thinking a lot lately about us, and our future together. I am so excited to get the kittens. I LOVE animals so much! But on a more serious level, I've really been pondering what lies ahead for us. I know I want to finish school, and be a nurse. And I know that we really don't want to have children. We want to be able to travel and go to concerts and not have to worry about any little ones. But then I look at my friends that have children. I watch Hollice with them. He is so sweet with children. He would make the perfect father. And in that perfect moment, watching him hold a kid, I almost, for a second, wonder what it would be like for us. I look at Matt and Amanda, with their beautiful daughter, and think about what it would be like.
When I really think about it, I just don't know. In those perfect moments, I want to have children with Hollice. But then reality hits, and I don't want the 3am feedings, or the changing of the diapers, and the formula, and putting the kid in school and all that jazz. And then I know I really don't want kids. But, what if I am 45 years old, without children. Will I regret my decision? Will he? Do I want to have kids just to see what it would be like, is that why I feel like this? Or, do I really want them? I know that it's not a big deal really because in the end, we will figure it out together. I really don't want to be pregnant, but when I really think about it, I'm just scared. I'm a wimp, and I don't want to deal with the nine months of hell. And then the birth, oh please don't even get me started on that. I just keep thinking about how beautiful our children would be. Anyway, don't get your hopes up, I doubt it will ever happen. Well, I think that they are done playing with the stupid alarm, so it's off to bed for me. Have a great week, everyone.